I thought that I had time

We can defer acting upon our heart's desire - ‘until tomorrow’ - over such a long period of time - that we forget we are love's need and nature to behold and share; instead rehearsing a fantasy self and world that can never become real - but only hold out a sense of hope or promise forever unfulfilled.

When we think we have time , we tend to indulge our opinions, imaginations and storytelling skills in a way that offloads or covers over - (so as to escape, overcome or turn to advantage) - an undercurrent of self inadequacy associated with pain and shame. Some of this is associated with personal history - but underneath is a nameless sense of lack of power or dispiritedness that seems to be - ‘the way it is’ - and I presume this of myself and for others, as the world as I see it. And cast ourself and others in whatever light salves or serves our particular mood or disposition, and fill up our time with our story.

Sometimes, crisis bring everything to a point. There is simply no time for floating in fantasy options and possibilities, or for maintaining such appearances to self or others.

Then there is a kind of honesty that isn't a result of any kind of self regarding effort - but the stripped away residue of the heart's call and the willingness to heed it.

This is a 'need to know basis'. When our need to know is paramount, all else is put aside and we listen with all our heart for guidance, moment by moment. Because we know our own thought or power is insufficient without opening to fresh direction, help or inspiration.

When the crisis is no more, the old habit of a private mind tends to resume, but there has now been experience that contrasts the world and self of thought,  with the presence, immediacy and connectedness of being. Because the mind is still tending to ‘sleep’ in its own thought and story, such experiences tend to be associated with externals, and may even be retold in a manner that validates the sense of self that had to be released for help to be received.

As the contrast of the nature of these openings with that of the story driven sense of self, grows to become consciously acknowledged, the insight arises that the ‘mind’ which gives rise to a sense of limitation or conflict is an act - rather than my being. So I begin to stop harbouring or nurturing the desire to act out of such a basis - because I quickly discover it hurts and because it costs me joy and sanity - which are also becoming increasingly conscious as my freedom to feel and appreciate being, presently, in its movement.

So now the ongoing ‘crisis’ of my own immediate consciousness fuels a ‘need to know’ realisation whereas once it was seen as if external circumstances caused my attention to be brought present. In this ordinary and daily 'crisis’ of a call to awakening, I discover that I have to accept responsibility for my own habits of mind in a way that I had never really addressed before. Not responsible as if to any external judge - but a willingness to notice the working of my own mind in the act of previously unseen intent or desire.

This was hidden by design and cannot be seen by the mind in desire to hide - only a tip of an iceberg that lets me think I have some sense of what is at work. It is hidden, in our face, by Life interpreted as separated and conflicting self and world and selves. A fragmented sense in which wholeness is ascribed only to parts.

The ‘other’ in my experience - is seen as playing out a role that is relative to the role the script defines for me. But in truth I am never NOT the maker of the script. All the roles in it are drawn from - and never do actually leave - my own mind in story.

And yet what I ‘make’ of you - or any ‘other’ - is not what you are - but what I have used you for in a ‘mind-game’ I have at some level agreed to play.

When the script is recognised as one mind involved in ego, forgiveness is automatic and immediate. For you clearly never have done the things I believed of your intent. But only of my own intent. An intent that in truth and light I would not and cannot desire or maintain. The unwillingness to look upon the ego is the measure of the desire we still hold to play the game of ‘being apart’.

In actual release of the ‘mind of error’, the presence of you is truly felt beyond and distinct from any story or presentation in which I had colluded to make out of my own past experience. And you are inseparable from One mind or Spirit - the same mind alive in me. I simply cannot judge you or I am immediately cut off from the living appreciation of the presence of being. So the awakened living context itself, becomes the guide for direction, if I would be in love’s presence. My judgements no longer serve as my guide - but become useful by the Guide as maps that indicate a hidden desire of self specialness - a fantasy at odds with reality.  Once it can be seen truly, it can only be released. Seeing and releasing is pulling out roots at cause level rather than entanglement amidst effects. And constitutes the replacement of a managed self image, with heart shared life.

In ignorance I used you for selfish ends - but truth is forever unaffected. I discovered this when I released my demands and judgements, and a presence of guiltlessness shone in their place.  In this light I remember and am remembered truly and presently - for this light was what I thought I'd killed and lost when I played with selfishness and then ‘put that mind out’ as if to be safe in hiding.

When there is no more time to play ‘as if’, the truth of the heart will be the only truth. It is not consistent with the story for it sees only in ways that serve the truth of love. Wheras the ‘truth’ in story is what serves the teller of the story.

Does accepting Truth mean I never get to be heard, understood and redressed for the pain and loss I have suffered?
Yes. It is walked out of without further ado the instant it is seen truly. The very basis of a reality in which a self can control or suffer reality is given up.
In Truth I am undone of that mind and restored to a peace and light that cannot be attacked. And should conflict arise and light seem lost, then I can recognise I slipped into illusion again - and set myself the lesson and journey of awakening; the acceptance and love of true desire.

As the pathways of self forgiveness and peace become often used, resistances become less dramatized and the sense of self reconfigures to a true selfless sanity that gives itself and sees itself in all. Stories of awakening are also story - but serve the shift of attention out of the script and into the conscious movement of Being.
The shift is correctly seen as urgent whenever it is required. But once it is embraced, guidance relaxes and restores all that is to be as it is - in you as you are.
Stories cannot tell of Creation excepting to limit and diminish. Creation is too full to have time out in which to take notes or tell stories.
Too full to take time out to make symbols of the reality of love’s being. There simply is no desire for - no attention given- and no time in which to.