Suicide

Suicide

My firstborn child took her own life at age sixteen, in 1995.

This posting is from responses to one who had recently lost a loved one to suicide.
I found myself feeling for what in broad terms to offer to one who was in some ways living through something similar to what I had also lived.

It came like a prayer:

“May we be gentle with our self in acceptance of our feelings that cut deep and open the heart to raw Feeling.
For though we may believe we are undone, the Light is here and in the purity of feeling it is known as love - even if the mind can only see love lost.

May our grasp on all things be loosened, in gratitude, in love, and in appreciation of the gift of perfect freedom,
release the need to understand by our thought, by accepting our true desire to align in love as God loves.
To love anyway. To love because that is the truth of our heart.

And so may we let our minds be found anew by the understanding of the Heart.
Let peace guide our thought, our prayers of love, and our hands that reach and hold and hug”.

Such was my heart's guidance.

Allow, feel, express, allow, feel, express. Being with what is moving in us without adding or taking away is a natural process of revelation. The witness awakens and light is allowed in the mind.

The heart and mind are often not at one in humanity - the mind tends to be used to deny the feeling being that connects us at Soul level. The emotions are triggered from the pictures in the mind. These things are not usually part of our education but when one’s sense of life and world is ripped open - we are in the rapids of a territory that is always here - and yet we may simply drown in confusion and close the door in reactions of guilt, fear or compulsion to create meaning from meaninglessness.

The love that my daughter Elanor brought and opened within me is of eternal Light.
Will I accept death of This?
No. That's nonsense.
So that left me with the 'death' of what I thought I was, and what I thought the world was for.

The mind that absolutely cannot 'handle it' even by using self destruct or insanity must relinquish its ‘control’ into a process of forgiveness, acceptance and release, of all that seems to witness for un-love or insanity. And not theoretically - but while it is 'in my face' - undefended against.

The willingness to release and be released of the grasp of our own wilfulness and its attendant suffering and limitation doesn't come easy to one who sees only loss of loved one, self or world.

But the love of Truth - the truth of Love - these are the current in the heart that have roots deeper than the forms, scripts and dramas of our human doings and identities. This is the nature of Divine being - called from a mind that has been exposed to its own seeming groundlessness.


If we grow love in our heart by living its ways in little things then the pattern will be set that deals with the big things.
Tragedy and calamity can kill our spirit or bring us to renewal in Spirit. None can make this choice for another. But we can witness and join with Life.

We are free to accept life in truth or to deny it in illusion. But we are not free to alter or undo what it truly is.
When the mind or world seem insane - don't believe those thoughts - but go within to the heart and make your peace and regain its perspective.
Trust the heart and not the mind that thinks. The heart can guide the mind as the mind surrenders in resting.
All things work for good - despite all appearance to the contrary. This therefore is spoken in faith that holds that purpose in order to accept it's truth.

I don't write any of this as if you don't already know all that you need to know - but arising out of a desire I feel to be connected and sane - amidst the felt intensities of the heart-mind that feels loss and confusion.

I used an ‘Emmanuel's Book’ quote in Elanor’s send-off :

"When you find the Light within you you will know that you have always been in the centre of wisdom.
As you probe deeper into who you really are, with your lightedness and your confusion, with your angers, longings and distortions, you will find the true living God.
Then you will say: “I have known you all my life and I have called you by many different names.
I have called you mother and father and child.
I have called you lover.
I have called you sun and flowers.
I have called you my heart.
But I never, until this moment, called you Myself.”

in Love's blessing
Brian